I found a windmill in Holland!

Saturday, July 30, 2011


It's nearly 2am, and I can't sleep. We arrived in Cluj-Napoca tonight and everyone is exhausted. 36 hours of travel is more than most people can handle, yet this team did so with Grace, Humility and FUN!!!

I am contemplating the grace that has been extended to me. This year has been one of great emotional difficulty. My heart has grieved for many that I love as they have experienced loss, caused train wrecks in their lives, experienced numerous transitions and inflicted pain on others (me included).

I have also experienced a great amount of failure of my own. My ability to love has been challenged and I have found myself lacking. My ability to minister and give endlessly has been sapped. I had to repent because I stopped turning to God for my strength and tried to do it myself. My pride told me to trust NO ONE, and as I believed that lie, I grew more and more frustrated.

The humility that comes with repentance is hard to contain. I FEEL like I deserve nothing but punishment, yet God has given me an incredible gift in this team. They are fun. They are encouraging. They are cooperative. They are gracious. They are loving. I don't deserve them.

I don't deserve.....and that is the point. We don't deserve Grace, and that is why it is what it is. Grace...... Grace brings us to humility. It is your Kindness Lord, that leads me to repentance. It is your kindness that causes me to remember that I need you. Without you, I am nothing.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


There are many words that I do not want to be called. Many things in life that I never want to have attributed to my character. There are things that you could say to me and they would wound deeply. Not because of the manner in which they are said, or the heart behind them, but because of the way that they are perceived in my mind.

One such concept is that of "Neediness". No one likes a needy girl. No one likes to see someone sucking the life out of others and leaning co-dependently on people who are magnets for said characters. I don't know anyone who would revel in being referred to as "Needy", least of all me.

Yet, this morning as I got ready for the day, I had a revelation. I am needy. I was shocked. I stood and looked in the mirror in horror. I started to make excuses. I wanted to justify how I can handle myself. However, I had to face the truth. The last few weeks of my life have been tough. Tougher than I have been able to handle. My patience has worn thin. My resolve to be nice has gotten holes in it. My ability to be objective has waned. What has happened to me?

Today, looking in that mirror, I realized that I had reached the end of me again. My times with God have been sparse. I was working so hard FOR Him that I forgot to be WITH Him. I have been frustrated with my performance in almost every area of life. Relationships have been wounded. My leadership has been challenged. My heart has been hurt. My physical strength has been sapped. My family has broken. Tour plans have failed at every turn and I feel like nothing is getting done. These circumstances feel like sheer failure to a perfectionist. I had let God down.

Then, the words to this blog began to formulate in my mind. I realized, AGAIN, that I am nothing without Him. I cannot do it on my own.

God, I've got nothing. I am needy. I need love. I need hope. I need intervention. I need....I need....I need. And it all comes from you. Please fill the void. Amen.