There are many words that I do not want to be called. Many things in life that I never want to have attributed to my character. There are things that you could say to me and they would wound deeply. Not because of the manner in which they are said, or the heart behind them, but because of the way that they are perceived in my mind.
One such concept is that of "Neediness". No one likes a needy girl. No one likes to see someone sucking the life out of others and leaning co-dependently on people who are magnets for said characters. I don't know anyone who would revel in being referred to as "Needy", least of all me.
Yet, this morning as I got ready for the day, I had a revelation. I am needy. I was shocked. I stood and looked in the mirror in horror. I started to make excuses. I wanted to justify how I can handle myself. However, I had to face the truth. The last few weeks of my life have been tough. Tougher than I have been able to handle. My patience has worn thin. My resolve to be nice has gotten holes in it. My ability to be objective has waned. What has happened to me?
Today, looking in that mirror, I realized that I had reached the end of me again. My times with God have been sparse. I was working so hard FOR Him that I forgot to be WITH Him. I have been frustrated with my performance in almost every area of life. Relationships have been wounded. My leadership has been challenged. My heart has been hurt. My physical strength has been sapped. My family has broken. Tour plans have failed at every turn and I feel like nothing is getting done. These circumstances feel like sheer failure to a perfectionist. I had let God down.
Then, the words to this blog began to formulate in my mind. I realized, AGAIN, that I am nothing without Him. I cannot do it on my own.
God, I've got nothing. I am needy. I need love. I need hope. I need intervention. I need....I need....I need. And it all comes from you. Please fill the void. Amen.